Its 2019. A new year, a new beginning, and in many ways, a tabula rasa open for planting new seeds. What will grow into a forest of 1,000 trees this year? The holidays are tough for the vast majority of people. The darkness before solstice seeps into our souls, and then all of a sudden, we turn a corner and we begin to feel the light and lightness filtering back in. While we are currently in the quiet, barrenness of winter, we have to remember that without the empty space, nothing new can be born. From endings come new beginnings, after all.
I dealt with my own loss and struggle this year. My relationship with someone I loved very much ended and I’m once again without that partnership, and currently, I’m also on furlough since the government is shutdown because our president is a giant, mentally ill, man baby. This is my fourth furlough as a government scientist and each time it becomes increasingly difficult. Not only because living without a paycheck SUCKS, but I BELIEVE in my mission as a NOAA scientist: to conserve and preserve our ocean environment, and the longer I cannot do my job, the more frustrated I become. So this holiday season was particularly hard (and I’m fully aware that many people have it worse…these are just my silly personal struggles). And although I logically understand that my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend wasn’t going to work in the long run, my tenacity and desire to never write anyone off and to embrace differences no matter what the cost or damage to myself, tends to rule my mind for a bit of time following an ending. But with time and distance I can see things more clearly, and like magick, after New Year’s Day yoga with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher, things have already begun to shift.
Regardless, I’m speaking my satya, and the end of 2018 was rough. One of the most consistent things that has kept me going, besides my amazing community of friends and family, is my yoga and mindfulness practice. I felt rather ungrounded from the shakeups in my life, but I made the intention to get up in the morning and go to yoga class. To swim at the Y. To find the strength and resolve to keep going. And some days I didn’t want to. Some days I bawled my eyes out during or after class. But I still went and did it. And it’s helped. My recovery from setbacks is so much quicker than in the past where my yoga and mindfulness practice was in the shitter. And now…a shift away from despair has happened and even though I’m still not back at work, I know it’s all going to be ok.
With the closing of some doors, new opportunities have already begun to arise and I am 100% open to them. My san culpa (heartfelt intention) for 2019 is to do my best to live with a fearless heart and to only follow the paths that wholly nourish my mind, body, and soul. I went from tears on New Year’s Eve to smiles and joy over the past few days at the thought of all the amazing opportunities on the horizon. The flip can switch off, but then it can switch back on and that brilliant white light streams back in just as quickly as it shut off.